Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
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INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets