before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
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me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
the short answer to this question
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*