Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
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-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
🙁
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?