[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
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GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
My guardian angel deserves a raise
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
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