Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
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If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.