“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
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Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.