Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
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Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
this came to me in a vision
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.