Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
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I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.