Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
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Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
i was baptized in a car wash
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
paddle faster i hear baby shark
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*