My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
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Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
I have written yet another poem about laundry
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out