*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
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Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building