I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
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ed has no gf cuz sheran away
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.