My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
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I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
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I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
how much for the angry fruit?
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.