it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
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[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
Happy Caturday!
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you