Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
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I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
The dark side of Canada
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
That took me a moment.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.