Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
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Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.