My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
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FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
fired
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
huge if true: the moon
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini