lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
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Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it