Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
You Might Also Like
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.