Come back with a warrant
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Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Do not steal food from the science building!
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.