friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
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I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.