My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
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i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
bias laundering edition
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.