Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
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[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.