i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
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Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
This is amazing.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
🙄😏😂🤣
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.