TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
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push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
All generalizations are stupid.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
hmm conte-me mais
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.