1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
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Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Eggs benadryl my favourite
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking