Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
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setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
Is this you?
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.