If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
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I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
Me irl
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home