There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
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If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?