Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
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Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea