The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
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100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few