Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
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[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Always the camel, never the toe.
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
The best plant holders?
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win