Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
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We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.