Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
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But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
Rooting for the overdog
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
And then there were 4
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.