13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
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Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]