How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
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Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you