Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
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Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”