Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
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[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.