i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
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Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
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Just take a day off
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
man i love columbo
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that