The prophecy is fulfilled
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Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.