Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
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ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
🙅🏻
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright