Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
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I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale