Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
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Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do