Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
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fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth