I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
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Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like