I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
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“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
12653.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
Sometimes? I’m slipping
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”