cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
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“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
The best plant holders?
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
OKAY DAD
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…