some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
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If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying