every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
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Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)