Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
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Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
i’m sure it’s fine
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw